Dear Abby and Insurance Fun!

Would you run that by me one more time?
For a printable copy of this funny, real stuff, click here: Dear Abby & Insurance Letters- fun!

DEAR ABBY: Having just read your column about how some people murder the English Language, here are some examples taken from actual letters received by the local welfare department in applications for support.

1. “I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven, but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.”
2. “Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and a half and has been visited regularly by the clergy.”
3. “I am glad to report that my husband who is missing, is dead.”
4. “I am very annoyed to find that you brand my son
illeterate (sic). This is a dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born.”
5. “Please find out for certain if my husband is dead? The man I am living with can’t eat or do anything until he knows.”
6. “I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see.”
7. “My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago, and I haven’t had any relief since.”
8. “Unless I get my husband’s money pretty soon, I will be forced to live an immortal life.”
9. “You have changed my little boy to a girl, will this make a difference?”
10. “I have no children as yet as my husband is a truckdriver and works day and night.”
11. “I want money quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks, and he doesn’t do me any good.”

Even Insurance Business Has Its Lighter Moments
Insurance ordinarily is a serious business. But even it has its lighter moments. Here, for example, are explanations on how accidents happened as reported by drivers of rented cars on claims forms they filed. The list was compiled by Tilden Ltd., Canada’s foremost car rental agency:

• Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
• A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.
• The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
• In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
• The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in the bush with just his rear end showing.
• I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found I had a fractured skull.
• I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
• When I saw that I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and subsequently crashed into the other car.
• I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law in the other seat and headed over the embankment.
• I had been driving my car for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had the accident.
• To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
• I first saw the slow moving, sad-faced old gentleman when he bounced off the hood of my car.
• The accident happened when the right front door of a car came around the corner without given any signal.
• The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.
• A pedestrian I did not see, hit me then went sliding under my car.
• The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.
• The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
• An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished.

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